PHASE I: CONTROLLED DEMOLITION
(1) Recruit fans to donate their government stimulus checks toward the incorporation of a new 501(c)(3), “Major League Soccer is a Failed Experiment Conducted in Increasingly Bad Faith LLC”
(2) Use remaining stimmy funds to bribe the US Soccer Federation into decertifying MLS’ Tier 1 league status
Bribery in soccer is as natural and mundane as shaking hands, or taking a poop. It’s time for America to step up at long last and poop the most painful but necessary poop of all.
(3) USSF breaks up with Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber via text message
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
(4) USSF appoints Zlatan Ibrahimovic as “Interim Shogun”
Someone has to drag this country’s soccer establishment kicking and screaming into the *checks notes* 20th century. Also, the job comes with a really fucking cool hat.
(5) To win the trust of remaining skeptics, Zlatan will defuse a bomb expertly hidden within Carlos Valderrama’s hair
It will not even be a real bomb. But that ain’t the point.
(6) Zlatan re-enables the comments section on MLSSoccer.com
Would an actually “major” league feel the need to disable the comments on its official website in result of a labor standoff triggered by its sneering, miserly owners? Well, MLS did do this! That’s right: think-skinned and cash-poor.
(7) USSF declares that a new league will be formed to replace MLS as the United States and Canada’s Tier 1. Zlatan informs current and future MLS franchises to prepare “for the Thunderdome”
(8) Zlatan formally decrees that the New York Cosmos are not a real team, and orders them placed under a conservatorship controlled by Jamie Spears
(9) USSF announces formation of a successor league to MLS that will be far less crappy and much more accurately named: “Medium-sized League Kickery” (MsLK)
MLS has never been particularly “major”; its loopy, farcical spending limitations and preponderance of overdramatic penny-pincher owners kept it artificially small by design, so we’ll settle for being medium-sized and consider it an improvement. Further, it’s often a stretch to refer to the flaccid product peddled by men’s domestic leagues north of the Mexican border as “soccer,” so we’re opting for calling it “Kickery” until further notice.
(10) This entire Phase I process shall be dramatized in a Paramount+ original movie starring Mahershala Ali as Don Garber
Zlatan will be portrayed by Zlatan.
PHASE II: GET THE MOTHERFUCKING NAZIS OUT
(11) Ban the nazis. Just fucking ban them.
Seriously, why are out-and-proud nazis and other violent far-right extremists still allowed to attend MLS matches in the open? Consider the sad saga of NYCFC.
(12) Violent far-right extremists who show up at games anyway are required to appear on the Kiss Cam
(13) Revoke all official recognition and various perks/privileges afforded to supporter groups that refuse to self-police their spheres of influence
Critically, this isn’t limited to dues-paying membership. There is clear evidence that some violent extremists came to be coddled and protected by individual MLS supporter groups without necessarily becoming “official” members of those groups.
(14) When it comes to violent far-right extremists, Medium-sized League Kickery will name motherfucking names
PHASE III: GET THE NFL GUYS OUT, TOO, BECAUSE THEY HATE SOCCER
(15) Among MLS brass and team ownership groups, all the Good Time Charlies with direct professional connections to the National Football League have to depart the league forever *OR* admit under oath that they hated soccer all along
Many of the MLS’ worst ideas, especially in its early days, came from a desire to be the soccering version of the NFL, a league that faces no competition for talent. Drafts, salary caps, a single-entity structure, and the ridiculous idea of “competitive balance” plainly inhibit MLS from improving, full stop, in light of soccer’s global talent market. Parity is not something fans actually want; there’s a reason why even mildly sane soccer leagues don’t tie themselves up in knots trying to achieve it.
(16) These “NFL guys” include Don Garber, Robert Kraft, Jonathan Kraft (he loves single-entity like Lil Baby loves Auto-Tune), Clark Hunt, Jimmy Haslam (cool trophy, but simply not being Anthony Precourt isn’t a legit virtue), Stan Kroenke…
(17) But Arthur Blank is probably okay?
(18) Dell Loy Hansen can fuck right off, though
PHASE IV: A LESS CRAPPY BLUEPRINT
(19) Abolish the SuperDraft, Re-entry Draft, and Expansion Draft
Drafts reward failure by giving teams excuses not to spend and compete. No self-respecting soccer league on planet earth would dream of using them. They are dumb.
(20) Abolish Miller Genuine Draft
Just to be safe.
(21) Abolish the single-entity system and permit clubs to administer themselves as they see fit
Bonus points for supporters’ trusts! But if we’re being real here, MLS would have even been better off having more sketchy billionaires from the former Soviet Union, China, and the Persian Gulf compared to the bucket of wet dish cloths it ended up with.
(22) Abolish Peacock Premium
This should have been item #1, tbh.
(23) MsLK will not “take a cut” of every player transfer fee clubs receive
This is a hilarious crime that MLS gets away with.
(24) Abolish the Discovery List and Allocation Ranking
That “competitive balance” thing again. These mechanisms are needlessly complicated and their mere existence insults the intelligence of the fans.
(25) Convert all “Allocation Money” to something useful, like Dogecoin
(26) Every out-of-contract player will immediately become an unrestricted free agent
A team that cannot convince its players to re-sign or position itself as a “free agent destination” should think long and hard about what that says about its culture and management structure.
(27) Abolish the salary cap and enforce a salary floor instead
Fans want to watch the best players, period. If a team wants to spend big on new acquisitions even at the risk of taking financial losses, the MsLK is not going to stand in its way — just like MLS shouldn’t, but does.
(28) Abolish Gary Mackay-Steven
He is not very good.
(29) Abolish designated players, homegrown players, and limits on international signings
Either sign a guy or don’t sign a guy. MsLK will participate in the same global transfer market that every other self-respecting soccer league does.
(30) *OPTIONAL BUT ENCOURAGED*: Teams unwilling or unable to construct a team that meets the salary floor will be required to relocate to Milton Keynes
(31) MsLK’s minimum full-season player salary will not be permitted to reach below 2019’s median MLS player salary of $179,000 per year
Fun fact: the mean MLS salary, which is around $400,000 due to top-end designated player wages juicing the numbers, is still lower than that of Mexico’s Liga MX and England’s second-tier Championship. Owners who don’t want to shell out real money for talent can go eat at the kids’ table where they belong.
(32) Any game hosted on an artificial turf field will be scored as an automatic 101–0 defeat for the home team
(33) Players, coaches, and staff must refer to Ted Lasso as if he’s a real person
(34) Observe all designated FIFA international breaks
(35) Lifetime bans for racist abuse and domestic violence
That goes for players, fans, team staff, league employees, etc.
(36) Abolish all sponsorships, promotions, and tie-ins with law enforcement organizations and the US Department of Defense, as well as national anthems before games
PHASE V: OPERATION FUCK-SHIT-UP
(37) Guarantee a place in the MsLK to the 10 teams (“Founding Members”) that commit to spending the most money on player salaries
This specifically applies to wage spending, which correlates with winning games, and not transfer fees, which do not. But…
(38) Award a WWE-style championship belt to the team that pays the single highest player transfer fee each season
(39) As an additional incentive, continue to guarantee the 10 Founding Members a place in the MsLK for five seasons with immunity from relegation if and when such a system is implemented
(40) The next 10 highest-spending teams will round out the ranks for an inaugural 20-team season, but will be eligible for relegation if and when such a system is implemented
(41) *OPTIONAL BUT ENCOURAGED*: MsLK teams with 3 lowest payrolls are relegated to Rocco Commisso’s phosphate mine
“Cosmos going down with a thousand in the bank…”
(42) *OPTIONAL BUT ENCOURAGED*: If Rocco’s mines are full, teams will be forced to play their next season at RFK Stadium
And you can forget about that fucking 50% discount on phosphate pupusas you were promised.
(43) All additional teams seeking a place in MsLK will begin play in a Tier 2 league as capacity and their ongoing solvencies permit, then Tier 3, etc. If the USL is open to a possible, eventual transition to a promotion/relegation structure, incorporating USL into this fledgling pyramid will be considered preferable to the creation of an entirely new apparatus
This is boring. Just keep reading.
(44) Once the Tier 1 and Tier 2 leagues feature at least 20 teams each, they will be permitted to negotiate a promotion and relegation system with the players’ labor union(s)
MsLK will not launch with a pro/rel system already in place. It’s up to the leagues and the players to reach an agreement.
(45) As part of negotiations on an initial collective bargaining agreement, the league and its players union will decide how the MsLK champion is determined (regular season only, regular season + playoffs, apertura/clausura, etc.)
(46) Appoint sports economist Stefan Szymanski as MsLK Commissioner
Watch who gets angriest about this. Those people possibly hate exciting, watchable soccer, and they probably deserve to be unhappy.
(47) Replace the All-Star Game with a Mario Kart tournament on a yacht hosted by Pitbull, and also Brian Cox will be there in character as Logan Roy — for 50 bucks, he’ll tell you to fuck off
Alexi Lalas’ invitation will get “lost in the mail.”
(48) Instead of a regular season MVP race, players must participate in a season of “RuPaul’s Drag Race”
Let there be no doubt about who’s fiercest in any given competition year.
(49) Teams with taxpayer-funded stadiums will be forced to play games in the parking lot while Scott Stapp performs a free show on the field and puts, like, really profound divots in the grass
(50) Abolish “I Believe That We Will Win”
If we can’t do better than this, we don’t deserve food, water, shelter, or love.
